The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto Highway 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it. "It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."
24 November 2009
17 November 2009
Bridge
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
10 November 2009
Nun
Seamus staggered out-of the pub and bumped into a passing nun.
'Now will you leave the demon drink alone?' scolded the nun.
'To be sure and why should that be?' asked Seamus, ''Tis the very elixir of life.'
'It's a terrible shame,' continued the nun, 'that a fine young boy like you, that should be the pride and joy of your mother's grey hairs, would go down to the grave before her.'
'Oh, no, Sister,' protested Seamus, 'a little drink never 1
did a man no harm.'
'Will you not give over now,' said the nun, 'will the demon drink be the death of you then?'
'Now why should you call it the demon drink,' said Seamus, brazenly, 'have you ever tasted the stuff?'
'And why would I be doing such a terrible thing as that, my child,' cried the nun. 'Will you have me forsake my holy vows of temperance?'
'Go on, Sister,' persisted Seamus, 'it cannot be holy or righteous to condemn something which you know nothing about. I'll get you a drop and you can judge for yourself. What will you have?'
'Well,' said the nun, faltering, 'perhaps you're right, I shouldn't make the judgement so hastily after all.'
'Whisky? Brandy? Gin?' asked Seamus, pushing open the door of the pub.
'Oh now, I'm surely doing a terrible wrong thing,' said the nun, beginning to leave.
'Go on,, said Seamus, putting a hand on her shoulder, 'have a go!'
'Well, perhaps I should try a drop or two of that gin, only bring it to me in a teacup. It would be a shameful thing for a nun to be seen tasting liquor outside a public house.'
'Right,' said Seamus, going up to the bar. 'Pour me a gin, please, but put it in a teacup.'
'Good grief,' said the landlord, 'It's that alcoholic nun again.'
'Now will you leave the demon drink alone?' scolded the nun.
'To be sure and why should that be?' asked Seamus, ''Tis the very elixir of life.'
'It's a terrible shame,' continued the nun, 'that a fine young boy like you, that should be the pride and joy of your mother's grey hairs, would go down to the grave before her.'
'Oh, no, Sister,' protested Seamus, 'a little drink never 1
did a man no harm.'
'Will you not give over now,' said the nun, 'will the demon drink be the death of you then?'
'Now why should you call it the demon drink,' said Seamus, brazenly, 'have you ever tasted the stuff?'
'And why would I be doing such a terrible thing as that, my child,' cried the nun. 'Will you have me forsake my holy vows of temperance?'
'Go on, Sister,' persisted Seamus, 'it cannot be holy or righteous to condemn something which you know nothing about. I'll get you a drop and you can judge for yourself. What will you have?'
'Well,' said the nun, faltering, 'perhaps you're right, I shouldn't make the judgement so hastily after all.'
'Whisky? Brandy? Gin?' asked Seamus, pushing open the door of the pub.
'Oh now, I'm surely doing a terrible wrong thing,' said the nun, beginning to leave.
'Go on,, said Seamus, putting a hand on her shoulder, 'have a go!'
'Well, perhaps I should try a drop or two of that gin, only bring it to me in a teacup. It would be a shameful thing for a nun to be seen tasting liquor outside a public house.'
'Right,' said Seamus, going up to the bar. 'Pour me a gin, please, but put it in a teacup.'
'Good grief,' said the landlord, 'It's that alcoholic nun again.'
3 November 2009
Preacher
A visiting preacher stood at the door of the church after the service, shaking hands with one person after another who thanked him for his sermon. 'A wonderful message' 'Marvellous' A powerful Word' 'Tremendously helpful' the preacher was deeply flattered. Then a strange looking guy came up to him, muttering, 'Talked to long! he decided to ignore him and continued shaking hands. Then the strange little man reappeared 'Load of nonsense!'
The preacher tried to take no notice but the man kept on rejoining the queue and each time he came up to the preacher he complained about something different; 'Didn't understand a word' 'Irrelevant' Bored to tears'
Finally, the preacher could stand it no longer 'Who is that man? Asked the preacher 'Oh don't worry about him' came the Church stewards reassuring reply 'He's not quite with it. He just spends all his time repeating what everyone else says'
The preacher tried to take no notice but the man kept on rejoining the queue and each time he came up to the preacher he complained about something different; 'Didn't understand a word' 'Irrelevant' Bored to tears'
Finally, the preacher could stand it no longer 'Who is that man? Asked the preacher 'Oh don't worry about him' came the Church stewards reassuring reply 'He's not quite with it. He just spends all his time repeating what everyone else says'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)