Vegetables

George was an old man of eighty-eight living in Sussex. Every year his son Mark used to dig his garden over so he could grow his prized vegetables. Mark was a bad boy and got himself sent to prison.
George wrote to Mark in prison asking who was going to dig his garden for him so he could plant his vegetables.
Mark wrote back saying, 'Whatever you do, don't dig the garden up, that's where the bodies are hidden'.
At six o'clock the next morning loads of police turned up and turned his garden over. Finding nothing they apologised to the old man and left leaving the garden nice and tidy.
The next day George received a letter from Mark saying, 'It was the best he could do considering the circumstances'.

Indians

It was approaching October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Unfortunately however, being a Chief from a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. Consequently when he looked at the sky he didn't have a clue what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should start to collect firewood in preparation.

But being a practical leader and more conversant with the ways of the modern world, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked whether the coming Winter was predicted to be cold or not. "It definitely looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. Heartened by this justification of his own prediction the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be even better prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again for further confirmation of the predicted cold winter. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again and asked "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "Haven't you seen? The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Batman

I went into the local video shop and asked 'Can I rent Batman Forever?'
He said: 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'

I lost my dog the other day when I was in Twickenham...
..I found it just outside Barking

I went to the doctors yesterday and I told him I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home. He said, 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
I asked 'Is it common?'
He replied, 'It's not unusual.'

I went into a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The man behind the counter said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I've been having trouble with my racing snail recently, He's just not winning races like he used to. I've tried taking his shell off so he's lighter but if anything, it's made him more sluggish.

Doctor

A man went to the doctor with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his
right ear and a banana in his left. He asked the doctor ' What is
wrong with me?'
'That's easy,' the doctor replied, 'you're not eating properly.'