How can a man jump higher than a mountain?
Easy, mountains can't jump!
22 February 2011
15 February 2011
Wealthy man
One day, a wealthy man was riding down a street in the back of his limousine. When turning a corner he looked out the window and noticed 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop, and got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"Because sir, we don't have money for food", the poor man replied.
"Well, come along with me then!"
"But sir, I have a wife and 2 kids"
"Bring them along! And, you come too," He said to the second man.
"But sir, I have a wife and 7 kids!"
"Bring them all," the wealthy man said.
So all of them piled up in the limo, which was no easy task even though the wealthy man's limo was one of the biggest kind. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, we really appreciate your kindness!"
The rich man replied, "No, it is I who appreciate all of you! The grass at my house is 3 feet tall!"
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"Because sir, we don't have money for food", the poor man replied.
"Well, come along with me then!"
"But sir, I have a wife and 2 kids"
"Bring them along! And, you come too," He said to the second man.
"But sir, I have a wife and 7 kids!"
"Bring them all," the wealthy man said.
So all of them piled up in the limo, which was no easy task even though the wealthy man's limo was one of the biggest kind. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, we really appreciate your kindness!"
The rich man replied, "No, it is I who appreciate all of you! The grass at my house is 3 feet tall!"
8 February 2011
Parrot
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't cursing were very rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music-anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and so quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask, what did the Chicken do?".
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music-anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and so quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask, what did the Chicken do?".
1 February 2011
Dead duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I’m sorry, your duck has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and stroll led out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £150."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and stroll led out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £150."
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