New shoes

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. 'How do they feel?' asks the sales clerk.
'Well they feel a bit tight,' replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. 'Try pulling the tongue out,' the clerk says.
'Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.

Pilots

Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.'

Trainees

Two Trainees working in the same office, one wanted some time off, but knew the boss wouldn't allow him to take leave.
He decided to act crazy so the boss would tell him to take a few days off. He hung upside down from the ceiling so the other Trainee asks him "What are you doing?"
"Ah pretending to be a light bulb so the boss will think I'm crazy and give me time off for a few days".
Just then the boss walks in. "What are you doing?"
"I am a light bulb" the trainee says.
The boss then said, "You are obviously very stressed. You need few days off to recover...go home and come back when you feel better."
The other Trainee starts walking out the door too...
The boss asks him "Where do you think you're going?"
The other Trainee replied "I going home....I can't work in the dark."

Goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Vacuum Cleaner

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.
A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow dung onto the carpet.
"Madam, if I could not clean this up within five minutes with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman.
"Do you want ketchup with that?" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"
The lady replied, "There's no electricity in this house..."