Plaque

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Barber

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Convicts

There were three escaped convicts running from the police. With the police right on their tails, the convicts run into a forest and decide to climb trees to hide. The police run into the forest in hot pursuit, only to lose track of the convicts. Suddenly, one of the officers looks up and sees the shadow of one of the convicts in a tree.
He alerts the other officers and asks, "What's that up in the tree?" The convict thinks quickly and replies, "Hoooo Hoooo!"
The officers promptly think, "Awww, it's only an owl." So, they walk on, and stop when they spot another shadow in a nearby tree.
The second convict, thinking that the first guy had the right idea, replies, "Meowww."
The cops think, "Great, it's some poor cat stuck up there" and walk on. After another few minutes, the eagle-eyed officer sees the third convict and confers with his fellow officers. The third convict, seeing his cohorts good luck, decides to try the same method to fool the police below.
So, he bellows at the top of his lungs, "Mooooooo!"

Thermos

A man from a stereotypically stupid nation walked into a shop and saw a Tartan patterned Thermos Flask. He turned around to the assistant and asked, "What's that?".
The assistant told him that it's "a Thermos Flask".
"What's one of those for?" asked the man,
"Well it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." replied the assistant
The man was so impressed he decided to buy one for his work at the local building site.
The next day, on the site, lunchtime arrived and they all downed tools to have their sandwiches. With that the man took out his Thermos. A colleague turned around to him and said, "What's that you've got there mate?".
The man explained, "A Thermos......it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold.".
"Wow, what have you got in it?" the colleague asked.
The man replied "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice".