A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack cigarettes.
"I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."
31 January 2012
24 January 2012
Blue suit
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde undertaker asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde undertaker a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the undertaker, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde undertaker presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
The female blonde undertaker asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde undertaker a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the undertaker, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde undertaker presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
17 January 2012
Sawmill
Paddy and Mick are two men working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and is severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident; this time he severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick's doing.
The nurse breaks down and cries. She says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not all that surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey fool put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident; this time he severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick's doing.
The nurse breaks down and cries. She says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not all that surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey fool put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
10 January 2012
Sailor
A Guy goes for a job at sea, the Captain says, "Have you had any experience away at sea?"
"No", the new guy says, "But I'm honest!"
The Captain takes him on and off they sail.
After three weeks at sea the new guy is busy mopping the decks, when a big wave crashes over the bows and sweeps him overboard.
The first mate goes running to the Captain, "You know the new guy we took on, the one who said he was honest? Well he has just run off with your mop!"
"No", the new guy says, "But I'm honest!"
The Captain takes him on and off they sail.
After three weeks at sea the new guy is busy mopping the decks, when a big wave crashes over the bows and sweeps him overboard.
The first mate goes running to the Captain, "You know the new guy we took on, the one who said he was honest? Well he has just run off with your mop!"
3 January 2012
Painting
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. His wife overhearing their
conversation said to him, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately.."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed her a £10.00 tip.
Thank you!! she said, "And by the way, "the blonde added,
"it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. His wife overhearing their
conversation said to him, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately.."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed her a £10.00 tip.
Thank you!! she said, "And by the way, "the blonde added,
"it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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