Desert man

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend.  He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railway tracks one day, he hears this whistle "Whooee da Whoee!", but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit, but only a glancing blow, and is thrown head over heels to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle on the stove whistling.  He grabs a cricket bat from the cupboard and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the noise, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why did you ruin my kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Good Samaritan

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. 
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" 
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence: "I think I'd throw up."

White hairs

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mum, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Jack said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got."
 "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
 "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mum gives me a pound a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me a fiver a week not to play it at night!"

A short cut

Bob and Joe are walking home late one night and they pass a graveyard. Bob suggests taking a short cut through it but the Joe has to meet someone elsewhere so they part company.

The next day they meet up.
“You made it through the graveyard then?” says Joe
“Yeah, but you’re right there’s something creepy going on in there.”, says Bob.
“Like what?”, asks Joe
“Well, I could hear this really strange sound, like music being played backwards.”
“Really?”, says Joe, “Tell you what, why don’t I get my tape recorder and we’ll cut through there tonight, see if we can record it?”

The next day they meet up again and Joe plays the tape.
“That sounds classical” say Bob.
“Yeah, it’s Beethoven’s 9th symphony – I’m playing the tape backwards.” says Joe, “And I found out where it’s coming from, come and see.” Joe leads Bob back to the graveyard and up to a grave marked 'Ludwig van Beethoven'.
“I don’t get it,”, says Bob, “Why is the music coming out backwards?”
“It’s obvious really”, says Joe, “He’s decomposing.”