Tie

A guy goes into a fancy bar wearing a shirt open at the collar, but the bouncer tells him he needs a tie to get in.

The guy doesn't have a tie handy, so goes out to his car and gets his jump leads. He ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the bar.  The bouncer looks him up & down and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

Fred

Fred lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.
One day he was feeling particularly low, whilst walking along the street he saw a man on the pavement ahead of him skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. Looking closer he noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
Fred started thinking, what am I doing feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the pavement happy and going on with his life.
He hurried along and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless.
Fred thanked him again for setting a great example, and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
Fred asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He replied "I'm not happy; my bum is itchy."

Surgeon

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well - if something happens to me - your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'