A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working.
One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!'
When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?'
30 April 2013
23 April 2013
Bra
Told to me by a Jewish friend...
A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what does the Jewish bra do?"
"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."
A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what does the Jewish bra do?"
"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."
16 April 2013
Time management
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the sommelier took our wine order, I noticed she also had a spoon in her pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting company to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 person-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
Later I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the men's toilet. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 33%."
"That's great, but how do you put it back?"
Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting company to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 person-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
Later I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the men's toilet. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 33%."
"That's great, but how do you put it back?"
Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
9 April 2013
Forgiveness
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" Eighty percent held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."
2 April 2013
Medical Students
Two medical students were standing on a street corner watching people as they passed and discussing with each other any abnormalities that they may have seen in passers-by. They saw this old man waddling down the street like a duck at a slow pace.
The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the old man's problem. One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of haemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia."
The old man said, "I thought it was a fart, but from the feel of it, it looks like we were all wrong."
The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the old man's problem. One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of haemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia."
The old man said, "I thought it was a fart, but from the feel of it, it looks like we were all wrong."
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