Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
22 November 2011
15 November 2011
8 November 2011
The hunt
A lawyer, doctor, and preacher went hunting together. When a prize stag ran past them they all fired at the exact same moment and the stag dropped.
However, there was only one bullet hole and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration centre, not knowing who should tag it.
The agent said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out."
He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this stag!"
Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down he pointed out the wound, "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."
However, there was only one bullet hole and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration centre, not knowing who should tag it.
The agent said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out."
He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this stag!"
Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down he pointed out the wound, "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."
1 November 2011
The bridge
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well...are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well...are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
25 October 2011
Shredder
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the managing director of the company standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the managing director, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the managing director as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
"Listen," said the managing director, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the managing director as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
18 October 2011
Fire
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table. The training officer was discussing the behaviour of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked. Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, "You've got the right place."
11 October 2011
Supermarket
A woman in a supermarket has been walking behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved, 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuit in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and crisps in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get
upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his shopping and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ... the little brat's name is Kevin."
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get
upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his shopping and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ... the little brat's name is Kevin."
4 October 2011
Stand up
A college professor met his new class on the first day of school. He stood before them and gave a nice introduction to the class and about himself.
Upon completion of his monologue he looked around the room and asked his students "If any of you think you are stupid, stand up." As he looked around he saw that all of his students did not stand.
He proceeded to ask the same question again, "If anyone thinks they are stupid to please stand up."
The college professor looked around and to his surprise one tall student in the back of the room stood up. The professor asked, "Do you think you are stupid?"
The first year student replied, "No, I just didn't want you to feel alone."
Upon completion of his monologue he looked around the room and asked his students "If any of you think you are stupid, stand up." As he looked around he saw that all of his students did not stand.
He proceeded to ask the same question again, "If anyone thinks they are stupid to please stand up."
The college professor looked around and to his surprise one tall student in the back of the room stood up. The professor asked, "Do you think you are stupid?"
The first year student replied, "No, I just didn't want you to feel alone."
27 September 2011
Frog
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”
20 September 2011
Coat hanger
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door. The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door. The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
13 September 2011
Billy Graham
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.
"You don't even know your way to the post office."
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.
"You don't even know your way to the post office."
6 September 2011
Telephones
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians".
One week later a Council in Essex reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians".
One week later a Council in Essex reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
30 August 2011
Truant
Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.
"Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the bus drivers hate me, the governors want me to leave, and the caretaker has it in for me. I don't want to go to school."
"But you have to go to school," said his mother sternly. "You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the Headmaster."
"Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the bus drivers hate me, the governors want me to leave, and the caretaker has it in for me. I don't want to go to school."
"But you have to go to school," said his mother sternly. "You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the Headmaster."
23 August 2011
Children of Israel
At the end of Sunday School little Joey asked his teacher a question:
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."
"What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er, right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What were all the grown-ups doing?"
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."
"What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er, right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What were all the grown-ups doing?"
16 August 2011
Meat loaf
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, “Meat loaf and a kind word.”
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, “Okay, so where’s the kind word?”
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, “Don’t eat the meat loaf.”
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, “Okay, so where’s the kind word?”
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, “Don’t eat the meat loaf.”
9 August 2011
Solitary confinement
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell. He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.”
They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it.”
They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”
2 August 2011
Hymns
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
26 July 2011
Plaque
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
19 July 2011
Barber
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
12 July 2011
Convicts
There were three escaped convicts running from the police. With the police right on their tails, the convicts run into a forest and decide to climb trees to hide. The police run into the forest in hot pursuit, only to lose track of the convicts. Suddenly, one of the officers looks up and sees the shadow of one of the convicts in a tree.
He alerts the other officers and asks, "What's that up in the tree?" The convict thinks quickly and replies, "Hoooo Hoooo!"
The officers promptly think, "Awww, it's only an owl." So, they walk on, and stop when they spot another shadow in a nearby tree.
The second convict, thinking that the first guy had the right idea, replies, "Meowww."
The cops think, "Great, it's some poor cat stuck up there" and walk on. After another few minutes, the eagle-eyed officer sees the third convict and confers with his fellow officers. The third convict, seeing his cohorts good luck, decides to try the same method to fool the police below.
So, he bellows at the top of his lungs, "Mooooooo!"
He alerts the other officers and asks, "What's that up in the tree?" The convict thinks quickly and replies, "Hoooo Hoooo!"
The officers promptly think, "Awww, it's only an owl." So, they walk on, and stop when they spot another shadow in a nearby tree.
The second convict, thinking that the first guy had the right idea, replies, "Meowww."
The cops think, "Great, it's some poor cat stuck up there" and walk on. After another few minutes, the eagle-eyed officer sees the third convict and confers with his fellow officers. The third convict, seeing his cohorts good luck, decides to try the same method to fool the police below.
So, he bellows at the top of his lungs, "Mooooooo!"
5 July 2011
Thermos
A man from a stereotypically stupid nation walked into a shop and saw a Tartan patterned Thermos Flask. He turned around to the assistant and asked, "What's that?".
The assistant told him that it's "a Thermos Flask".
"What's one of those for?" asked the man,
"Well it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." replied the assistant
The man was so impressed he decided to buy one for his work at the local building site.
The next day, on the site, lunchtime arrived and they all downed tools to have their sandwiches. With that the man took out his Thermos. A colleague turned around to him and said, "What's that you've got there mate?".
The man explained, "A Thermos......it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold.".
"Wow, what have you got in it?" the colleague asked.
The man replied "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice".
The assistant told him that it's "a Thermos Flask".
"What's one of those for?" asked the man,
"Well it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." replied the assistant
The man was so impressed he decided to buy one for his work at the local building site.
The next day, on the site, lunchtime arrived and they all downed tools to have their sandwiches. With that the man took out his Thermos. A colleague turned around to him and said, "What's that you've got there mate?".
The man explained, "A Thermos......it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold.".
"Wow, what have you got in it?" the colleague asked.
The man replied "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice".
28 June 2011
Pearly gates
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a The old man replied, "I was a Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a The old man replied, "I was a Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
21 June 2011
Haircut
A young man comes home and says "Dad, I've just passed my driving test and would like to use the family car."
Father replies, "O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good marks at school, keep your room tidy, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card and I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
Father replies, "O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good marks at school, keep your room tidy, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card and I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
14 June 2011
Prayer
The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks "Anyone who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Brendon got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Brendon replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendon’s ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Brendon, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and
asked, "Brendon, how is your hearing now?"
Brendon answered, "Ah don't know. It's not till next week....."
With that, Brendon got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Brendon replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendon’s ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Brendon, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and
asked, "Brendon, how is your hearing now?"
Brendon answered, "Ah don't know. It's not till next week....."
7 June 2011
George
Eighty-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the lavatory (ping!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (ping!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (ping!) the light goes on in the lavatory, and then (ping!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the lavatory (ping!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (ping!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (ping!) the light goes on in the lavatory, and then (ping!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
31 May 2011
New shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. 'How do they feel?' asks the sales clerk.
'Well they feel a bit tight,' replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. 'Try pulling the tongue out,' the clerk says.
'Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.
'Well they feel a bit tight,' replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. 'Try pulling the tongue out,' the clerk says.
'Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.
24 May 2011
Pilots
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.'
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.'
17 May 2011
Trainees
Two Trainees working in the same office, one wanted some time off, but knew the boss wouldn't allow him to take leave.
He decided to act crazy so the boss would tell him to take a few days off. He hung upside down from the ceiling so the other Trainee asks him "What are you doing?"
"Ah pretending to be a light bulb so the boss will think I'm crazy and give me time off for a few days".
Just then the boss walks in. "What are you doing?"
"I am a light bulb" the trainee says.
The boss then said, "You are obviously very stressed. You need few days off to recover...go home and come back when you feel better."
The other Trainee starts walking out the door too...
The boss asks him "Where do you think you're going?"
The other Trainee replied "I going home....I can't work in the dark."
He decided to act crazy so the boss would tell him to take a few days off. He hung upside down from the ceiling so the other Trainee asks him "What are you doing?"
"Ah pretending to be a light bulb so the boss will think I'm crazy and give me time off for a few days".
Just then the boss walks in. "What are you doing?"
"I am a light bulb" the trainee says.
The boss then said, "You are obviously very stressed. You need few days off to recover...go home and come back when you feel better."
The other Trainee starts walking out the door too...
The boss asks him "Where do you think you're going?"
The other Trainee replied "I going home....I can't work in the dark."
10 May 2011
Goldfish
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
3 May 2011
Vacuum Cleaner
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.
A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow dung onto the carpet.
"Madam, if I could not clean this up within five minutes with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman.
"Do you want ketchup with that?" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"
The lady replied, "There's no electricity in this house..."
A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow dung onto the carpet.
"Madam, if I could not clean this up within five minutes with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman.
"Do you want ketchup with that?" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"
The lady replied, "There's no electricity in this house..."
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