Fred

Fred lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.
One day he was feeling particularly low, whilst walking along the street he saw a man on the pavement ahead of him skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. Looking closer he noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
Fred started thinking, what am I doing feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the pavement happy and going on with his life.
He hurried along and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless.
Fred thanked him again for setting a great example, and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
Fred asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He replied "I'm not happy; my bum is itchy."

Surgeon

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well - if something happens to me - your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

Scientist on a train

One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognised as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognising the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."
"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

Sign

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the corner they heard screeching tyres and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'Collapsed Bridge' instead?"

Hiccups

A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Confession

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate - there's no paper in this one either".

Cemetery

I was walking through a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a crap."

Stamps

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."

Wheelchair

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the lift. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. “I don't know,” he said. “She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

In the theatre

An old man lay sprawled across three seats in the theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man groaned but did not budge.
The usher became more impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
“All right sir what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.
“Where are you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
“The balcony…”

Wealthy Businessman

One afternoon a wealthy businessman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don't have any money for food,” the poor man replied.  “We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,” the businessman said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.  They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the businessman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”
“Bring them all as well,” the businessman answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the businessman and said, “Sir, you are too kind.”
“Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The businessman replied, “Glad to do it.  You'll really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high”.

Jungle football

One day in the jungle there was a football match between the elephants and the insects. By half-time the elephants were winning 39-0.
For the second half a centipede came on as a substitute for the insects - he was a brilliant player. By the end of the match the score was 46-39 to the insects.
As they were leaving the field the captain of the elephants said,
'What puzzles me is, why didn't you play that centipede in the first half?' 'We would have', said the captain of the insects.
"The only trouble is, it takes him an hour to get his boots on...'

Monk

A young priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his induction, that they were sworn to total silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.
After ten years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Bed hard!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another ten years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Food bad!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another ten years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “I quit!”
The head monk shook his head and said, “I knew this was coming. You’ve done nothing but complain for the past thirty years!”

Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from a little bird poop."
"It was my first day with the hook."

Cheese

What does the cheese saw when he looks in the mirror?
Halloumi!

Olympics

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England ," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

Fire precautions

A man from the fire brigade was conducting a health and safety course at an old people's home.
He asked one old lady, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
The old lady answered, "Really big ones."

Gas

A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"

Important message

No joke this week, just an important message:
Generally, I hate the hoax warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important.
Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum.
This is a scam - he only wants to see your bum.
I wish I'd received this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now!

GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
 It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
 Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
 "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
 "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe was in an accident with a truck. Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'"
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, you were fine?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road . . . "
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But by this time, the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown in one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'''

Hay cart

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

The drunk

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional alcohol at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and shouts for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
"Hey! How many bars do you work at?

Grandma's House

Little Johnny and his family were having a Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house.
 Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started to eat right away.
 "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.
 "I don't need to," the boy replied.
 "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
 "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."

Desert man

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend.  He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railway tracks one day, he hears this whistle "Whooee da Whoee!", but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit, but only a glancing blow, and is thrown head over heels to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle on the stove whistling.  He grabs a cricket bat from the cupboard and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the noise, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why did you ruin my kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Good Samaritan

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. 
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" 
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence: "I think I'd throw up."

White hairs

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mum, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Jack said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got."
 "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
 "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mum gives me a pound a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me a fiver a week not to play it at night!"

A short cut

Bob and Joe are walking home late one night and they pass a graveyard. Bob suggests taking a short cut through it but the Joe has to meet someone elsewhere so they part company.

The next day they meet up.
“You made it through the graveyard then?” says Joe
“Yeah, but you’re right there’s something creepy going on in there.”, says Bob.
“Like what?”, asks Joe
“Well, I could hear this really strange sound, like music being played backwards.”
“Really?”, says Joe, “Tell you what, why don’t I get my tape recorder and we’ll cut through there tonight, see if we can record it?”

The next day they meet up again and Joe plays the tape.
“That sounds classical” say Bob.
“Yeah, it’s Beethoven’s 9th symphony – I’m playing the tape backwards.” says Joe, “And I found out where it’s coming from, come and see.” Joe leads Bob back to the graveyard and up to a grave marked 'Ludwig van Beethoven'.
“I don’t get it,”, says Bob, “Why is the music coming out backwards?”
“It’s obvious really”, says Joe, “He’s decomposing.”