Safari

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

"Where's that pesky monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Horse

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says...   Why the long face? 

Chinese meal

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
“Well sir,” says the waiter, “What did you order?”
“We both chose the same,” he replies, “the chicken surprise.”
“Oh I do apologise, this is my fault,” says the waiter...
"I've brought you the Peking Duck."

Boys' names

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were discussing the names of their male children.
The Englishman explained that he christened his son George, because the boy was born on St George’s Day.
‘Och,’ said the Scotsman, ‘that reminds me of my son, Andrew, who was born on St Andrew’s Day.’
‘More power to your elbow, the both of you,’ said the Irish passenger. ‘By the way, did I ever tell you about my son, Pancake?’

Fishing

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So, the boy spit a glob into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Jumping

How can a man jump higher than a mountain?

Easy, mountains can't jump!

Wealthy man

One day, a wealthy man was riding down a street in the back of his limousine. When turning a corner he looked out the window and noticed 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop, and got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"Because sir, we don't have money for food", the poor man replied.

"Well, come along with me then!"

"But sir, I have a wife and 2 kids"

"Bring them along! And, you come too," He said to the second man.

"But sir, I have a wife and 7 kids!"

"Bring them all," the wealthy man said.

So all of them piled up in the limo, which was no easy task even though the wealthy man's limo was one of the biggest kind. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, we really appreciate your kindness!"

The rich man replied, "No, it is I who appreciate all of you! The grass at my house is 3 feet tall!"

Parrot

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't cursing were very rude.

Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music-anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and so quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask, what did the Chicken do?".

Dead duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I’m sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and stroll led out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"

The vet shrugged; "I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £150."

Vegetables

George was an old man of eighty-eight living in Sussex. Every year his son Mark used to dig his garden over so he could grow his prized vegetables. Mark was a bad boy and got himself sent to prison.
George wrote to Mark in prison asking who was going to dig his garden for him so he could plant his vegetables.
Mark wrote back saying, 'Whatever you do, don't dig the garden up, that's where the bodies are hidden'.
At six o'clock the next morning loads of police turned up and turned his garden over. Finding nothing they apologised to the old man and left leaving the garden nice and tidy.
The next day George received a letter from Mark saying, 'It was the best he could do considering the circumstances'.

Indians

It was approaching October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Unfortunately however, being a Chief from a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. Consequently when he looked at the sky he didn't have a clue what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should start to collect firewood in preparation.

But being a practical leader and more conversant with the ways of the modern world, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked whether the coming Winter was predicted to be cold or not. "It definitely looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. Heartened by this justification of his own prediction the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be even better prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again for further confirmation of the predicted cold winter. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again and asked "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "Haven't you seen? The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Batman

I went into the local video shop and asked 'Can I rent Batman Forever?'
He said: 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'

I lost my dog the other day when I was in Twickenham...
..I found it just outside Barking

I went to the doctors yesterday and I told him I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home. He said, 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
I asked 'Is it common?'
He replied, 'It's not unusual.'

I went into a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The man behind the counter said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I've been having trouble with my racing snail recently, He's just not winning races like he used to. I've tried taking his shell off so he's lighter but if anything, it's made him more sluggish.

Doctor

A man went to the doctor with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his
right ear and a banana in his left. He asked the doctor ' What is
wrong with me?'
'That's easy,' the doctor replied, 'you're not eating properly.'

Not sure this one is appropriate

The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… a new suit.’
He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?
‘Been in the business 60 years.’
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.’
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you. I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

Cracker jokes

Who invented fireworks?
Some bright spark

What is a vampire's favourite food?
Nectarines

What is the biggest ant?
An elephant

A new bike

It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

Pills

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says:

"Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers:

"Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says,

"You're not drinking enough water."

Knock Knock

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wayne
Wayne who ?
Wayne in a manger... !

Amish

An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "what is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son, "go and get your mother."

Pneumonia

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

Light bulb

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the light bulb really, really has to want to change.

Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

Another duck

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for corn.
The bartender says "We have no corn, get out of here."
So the duck leaves.

The next day he comes back and asks for corn again, and the bartender says "I told you, we don't have any corn! Get out!"
So the duck leaves.

The next day he goes in again and asks for corn, and the bartender says, "For the last time, we don't have corn! If you ever come back, I'm going to nail those webbed feet of yours to the floor!"
So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes and asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender says, "No, of course not. Why would a bar have nails?"
The duck then says, "Good. Can I have some corn?

Duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call." So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck inquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals, and the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "What on earth do they want with a plasterer?"

Horse

A horse goes into a bar and sits at the bar. At this the barman looks quite bemused but goes over and asks "what'll it be?" to which the horse replies "a pint of beer please" and gives the barman £10.

The barman goes back to the bar pulls the pint and thinking the horse probably wont be that smart goes back to the horse and £1 in change, he gives the horse the pint and the £1 change to which the horse thanks him.

After a while the barman's curiosity gets the better of him and says to the horse "we don't get many horses in here" to which the horse looks up from his paper and says "At £9 a pint I'm not surprised!!"

Building site

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a building site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!'

The wealthy widower

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, blonde lady who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful good looks and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His mates at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 95.'

Factory

There’s a story about a security guard at a Russian factory. One day this guard stopped a worker who was walking out of the factory gates pushing a wheelbarrow with a suspicious looking package in it. The guard opened the package up and found it contained nothing but some sawdust and floor-sweepings.

The next day he stopped the same worker who was again pushing a wheelbarrow containing a suspicious looking package. Once more it contained nothing but some sawdust and floor-sweepings.

The same thing happened many days on the trot, until the guard finally said, "OK, I give up. I know you are up to something, but I just can’t tell what. Please, I promise not to arrest you, but put me out of my misery - tell me what you are stealing."

The worker smiled, "I’m stealing wheelbarrows."

Ham

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?
And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mum always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

B &Q

Geoff, a newly retired employee at the local B&Q store, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10 or 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company, obviously epitomising their 'Older Person Friendly' policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a chat. "Geoff, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a great job, but your arriving a few minutes late so often is becoming quite a problem."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it. "Well good, you are a team player and I like to hear that members of our team can recognise their shortcomings and tackle them. It does however seem odd to me that you come in late so very often when I know you recently retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They would say, 'Good morning Admiral, would you like some coffee now, sir?'."