Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE! AND AN XBOX 360! AND I PRAY FOR THE NEW IRON MAN COMIC BOOK!"
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
27 March 2012
20 March 2012
Farmer
A religious farmer lost his Bible out in the field.
A few days later he went to answer a noise at his door. Standing there was a cow, with his Bible in its mouth!
The farmer raised his eyes to heaven and thanked the Lord for this miracle.
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside."
A few days later he went to answer a noise at his door. Standing there was a cow, with his Bible in its mouth!
The farmer raised his eyes to heaven and thanked the Lord for this miracle.
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside."
13 March 2012
Fire
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in the blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the fire fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and bravely fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat old truck!"
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the fire fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and bravely fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat old truck!"
6 March 2012
Ethnic joke
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, some Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant...
"I'm sorry," said the manager, as he scrutinized the group one by one, and then barred their entrance saying, "Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai."
"I'm sorry," said the manager, as he scrutinized the group one by one, and then barred their entrance saying, "Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai."
28 February 2012
Taxi driver
The passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the pavement, and stopped inches from a department store window.
For a second everything went quiet in the taxi, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry. Really, it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
For a second everything went quiet in the taxi, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry. Really, it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
21 February 2012
Sad news
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it's worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
14 February 2012
Philosophers' Convention
There is a huge philosophers' convention at the local hotel, and all the great philosophers are there.
Pascal is one of the last ones to arrive, and at the front desk he is told that his reservation was lost, and there are no more rooms at the hotel.
"This is preposterous!" he exclaims. "Where can I spend the night, the entire town has no vacancies!"
The desk clerk tells him that he may try to find one of his philosopher friends to share a room with him.
So he knocks on the first door, and Plato opens it. Pascal explains his problem, but Plato is already sharing his room with Satre, and that's depressing enough.
So Pascal tries the next room. Descartes opens the door. He has had a long day, and is in a bit of a bad mood. Pascal asks to share the room.
Descartes replies haughtily, "Share my room?!? I think NOT!"
And instantly he disappears in a cloud of smoke.
Pascal is one of the last ones to arrive, and at the front desk he is told that his reservation was lost, and there are no more rooms at the hotel.
"This is preposterous!" he exclaims. "Where can I spend the night, the entire town has no vacancies!"
The desk clerk tells him that he may try to find one of his philosopher friends to share a room with him.
So he knocks on the first door, and Plato opens it. Pascal explains his problem, but Plato is already sharing his room with Satre, and that's depressing enough.
So Pascal tries the next room. Descartes opens the door. He has had a long day, and is in a bit of a bad mood. Pascal asks to share the room.
Descartes replies haughtily, "Share my room?!? I think NOT!"
And instantly he disappears in a cloud of smoke.
7 February 2012
The lawyer and the old man
A lawyer and a old man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that old people are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the old man would like to play a fun game. The old man is tired, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500" he says.
This catches the old man's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The old man doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the old man's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the old man and hands him $500. The old man pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the old man up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The old man reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500" he says.
This catches the old man's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The old man doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the old man's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the old man and hands him $500. The old man pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the old man up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The old man reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
31 January 2012
New carpet
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack cigarettes.
"I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack cigarettes.
"I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."
24 January 2012
Blue suit
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde undertaker asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde undertaker a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the undertaker, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde undertaker presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
The female blonde undertaker asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde undertaker a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the undertaker, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde undertaker presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
17 January 2012
Sawmill
Paddy and Mick are two men working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and is severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident; this time he severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick's doing.
The nurse breaks down and cries. She says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not all that surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey fool put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident; this time he severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick's doing.
The nurse breaks down and cries. She says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not all that surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey fool put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
10 January 2012
Sailor
A Guy goes for a job at sea, the Captain says, "Have you had any experience away at sea?"
"No", the new guy says, "But I'm honest!"
The Captain takes him on and off they sail.
After three weeks at sea the new guy is busy mopping the decks, when a big wave crashes over the bows and sweeps him overboard.
The first mate goes running to the Captain, "You know the new guy we took on, the one who said he was honest? Well he has just run off with your mop!"
"No", the new guy says, "But I'm honest!"
The Captain takes him on and off they sail.
After three weeks at sea the new guy is busy mopping the decks, when a big wave crashes over the bows and sweeps him overboard.
The first mate goes running to the Captain, "You know the new guy we took on, the one who said he was honest? Well he has just run off with your mop!"
3 January 2012
Painting
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. His wife overhearing their
conversation said to him, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately.."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed her a £10.00 tip.
Thank you!! she said, "And by the way, "the blonde added,
"it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. His wife overhearing their
conversation said to him, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately.."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed her a £10.00 tip.
Thank you!! she said, "And by the way, "the blonde added,
"it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
27 December 2011
Uncle Paul
A phone is ringing...
'Hello?'
'Hi Darling. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But Darling, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, Right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Oh, okay then, this is what I want you to do...
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, Darling?'
'Well, Mummy got all Flustered, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser her nose is bleeding and her eyes are open staring and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He looked real scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and there's all blood coming from his mouth and ears and I think he's dead.'
There is then a long Pause
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 01786 561895?'
'No, I think you have the wrong number'
'Hello?'
'Hi Darling. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But Darling, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, Right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Oh, okay then, this is what I want you to do...
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, Darling?'
'Well, Mummy got all Flustered, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser her nose is bleeding and her eyes are open staring and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He looked real scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and there's all blood coming from his mouth and ears and I think he's dead.'
There is then a long Pause
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 01786 561895?'
'No, I think you have the wrong number'
25 December 2011
Christmas cracker jokes
What do you do when you seen a big lion?
Hope he doesn't see you.
What did the lion say when he saw two hunters in a jeep?
Ah, meals on wheels.
What did the beaver say to the tree?
Nice gnawing you.
Where should a dressmaker build her house?
On the outskirts.
Why don't ducks tell jokes when they're flying?
Because they would quack up.
Why did the robber have a bath?
Because he wanted a clean getaway.
Hope he doesn't see you.
What did the lion say when he saw two hunters in a jeep?
Ah, meals on wheels.
What did the beaver say to the tree?
Nice gnawing you.
Where should a dressmaker build her house?
On the outskirts.
Why don't ducks tell jokes when they're flying?
Because they would quack up.
Why did the robber have a bath?
Because he wanted a clean getaway.
20 December 2011
Mistletoe
A couple of days before Christmas, a business man was anxious to get
home from a business trip. The trip had been exhausting and he was not
in a good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he
was sick of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The
worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the
luggage scale. Being in a bad mood, he said to the woman at the
counter, "You know, even if I were not married, I would not kiss you."
"That is not what it is there for," said the attendant. "It is so you
can kiss your luggage goodbye."
home from a business trip. The trip had been exhausting and he was not
in a good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he
was sick of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The
worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the
luggage scale. Being in a bad mood, he said to the woman at the
counter, "You know, even if I were not married, I would not kiss you."
"That is not what it is there for," said the attendant. "It is so you
can kiss your luggage goodbye."
13 December 2011
Baptism
An man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, I I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again - but this time holds him down for about thirty seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, I I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again - but this time holds him down for about thirty seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
6 December 2011
Jazz cord
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China and the giant auditorium is packed to the roof with excited fans.
In a bid to break the ice with the huge audience, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind entertainer starts to play an E minor scale and then swings into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes absolutely wild with excitement!
But, the same chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts: "No, no, play a jazz chord; play a jazz chord!"
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes completely crazy with this impromptu show of Stevie's musical expertise!
But, still the little Chinese guy jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord; play a jazz chord!"
Stevie is getting really fed up now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage: "Okay, wise guy, you get up here and do it!"
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, grabs hold of the mike and starts to sing "A jazz chord to say, I ruv you...."
In a bid to break the ice with the huge audience, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind entertainer starts to play an E minor scale and then swings into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes absolutely wild with excitement!
But, the same chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts: "No, no, play a jazz chord; play a jazz chord!"
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes completely crazy with this impromptu show of Stevie's musical expertise!
But, still the little Chinese guy jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord; play a jazz chord!"
Stevie is getting really fed up now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage: "Okay, wise guy, you get up here and do it!"
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, grabs hold of the mike and starts to sing "A jazz chord to say, I ruv you...."
29 November 2011
Age
An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I
am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad died?'
The doctor was amazed.
'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive
How old is he?'
He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed
wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandad is dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I
am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad died?'
The doctor was amazed.
'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive
How old is he?'
He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed
wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandad is dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
22 November 2011
Moose
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
15 November 2011
8 November 2011
The hunt
A lawyer, doctor, and preacher went hunting together. When a prize stag ran past them they all fired at the exact same moment and the stag dropped.
However, there was only one bullet hole and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration centre, not knowing who should tag it.
The agent said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out."
He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this stag!"
Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down he pointed out the wound, "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."
However, there was only one bullet hole and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration centre, not knowing who should tag it.
The agent said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out."
He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this stag!"
Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down he pointed out the wound, "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."
1 November 2011
The bridge
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well...are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well...are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
25 October 2011
Shredder
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the managing director of the company standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the managing director, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the managing director as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
"Listen," said the managing director, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the managing director as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
18 October 2011
Fire
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table. The training officer was discussing the behaviour of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked. Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, "You've got the right place."
11 October 2011
Supermarket
A woman in a supermarket has been walking behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved, 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuit in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and crisps in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get
upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his shopping and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ... the little brat's name is Kevin."
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get
upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his shopping and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ... the little brat's name is Kevin."
4 October 2011
Stand up
A college professor met his new class on the first day of school. He stood before them and gave a nice introduction to the class and about himself.
Upon completion of his monologue he looked around the room and asked his students "If any of you think you are stupid, stand up." As he looked around he saw that all of his students did not stand.
He proceeded to ask the same question again, "If anyone thinks they are stupid to please stand up."
The college professor looked around and to his surprise one tall student in the back of the room stood up. The professor asked, "Do you think you are stupid?"
The first year student replied, "No, I just didn't want you to feel alone."
Upon completion of his monologue he looked around the room and asked his students "If any of you think you are stupid, stand up." As he looked around he saw that all of his students did not stand.
He proceeded to ask the same question again, "If anyone thinks they are stupid to please stand up."
The college professor looked around and to his surprise one tall student in the back of the room stood up. The professor asked, "Do you think you are stupid?"
The first year student replied, "No, I just didn't want you to feel alone."
27 September 2011
Frog
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”
20 September 2011
Coat hanger
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door. The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door. The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
13 September 2011
Billy Graham
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.
"You don't even know your way to the post office."
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.
"You don't even know your way to the post office."
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