Olympics

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England ," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

Fire precautions

A man from the fire brigade was conducting a health and safety course at an old people's home.
He asked one old lady, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
The old lady answered, "Really big ones."

Gas

A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"

Important message

No joke this week, just an important message:
Generally, I hate the hoax warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important.
Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum.
This is a scam - he only wants to see your bum.
I wish I'd received this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now!

GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
 It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
 Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
 "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
 "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe was in an accident with a truck. Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'"
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, you were fine?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road . . . "
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But by this time, the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown in one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'''

Hay cart

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

The drunk

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional alcohol at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and shouts for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
"Hey! How many bars do you work at?

Grandma's House

Little Johnny and his family were having a Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house.
 Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started to eat right away.
 "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.
 "I don't need to," the boy replied.
 "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
 "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."

Desert man

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend.  He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railway tracks one day, he hears this whistle "Whooee da Whoee!", but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit, but only a glancing blow, and is thrown head over heels to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle on the stove whistling.  He grabs a cricket bat from the cupboard and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the noise, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why did you ruin my kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Good Samaritan

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. 
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" 
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence: "I think I'd throw up."

White hairs

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mum, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Jack said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got."
 "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
 "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mum gives me a pound a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me a fiver a week not to play it at night!"

A short cut

Bob and Joe are walking home late one night and they pass a graveyard. Bob suggests taking a short cut through it but the Joe has to meet someone elsewhere so they part company.

The next day they meet up.
“You made it through the graveyard then?” says Joe
“Yeah, but you’re right there’s something creepy going on in there.”, says Bob.
“Like what?”, asks Joe
“Well, I could hear this really strange sound, like music being played backwards.”
“Really?”, says Joe, “Tell you what, why don’t I get my tape recorder and we’ll cut through there tonight, see if we can record it?”

The next day they meet up again and Joe plays the tape.
“That sounds classical” say Bob.
“Yeah, it’s Beethoven’s 9th symphony – I’m playing the tape backwards.” says Joe, “And I found out where it’s coming from, come and see.” Joe leads Bob back to the graveyard and up to a grave marked 'Ludwig van Beethoven'.
“I don’t get it,”, says Bob, “Why is the music coming out backwards?”
“It’s obvious really”, says Joe, “He’s decomposing.”

Train journey

A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed to a recruiting mission.  They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
 After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young Marine are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks."  Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
 The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young Marine to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
 The commanding officer is sitting there thinking:  "I didn't think the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
 The young woman was sitting and thinking:  "I'm glad the Marine kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
 The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face.  He thought to himself:  "Life is good.  When does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time?!"

Pizza

I used to have a job delivering pizza. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the glass door, I noticed he was carrying a cheque in one hand and two pound coins in the other, which I assumed was my tip.
 To my dismay, he pocketed the coins before handing me the cheque, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.
 "Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.
 "Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"

Bunny

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit.
The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter for the children because me. What should I do? "
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do.
She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road.
Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road. Then in another 50 yards, he turned, waved hopped and did it again in another 50 yards!
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what could possibly be in that woman's spray can.
He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Moses

George W. Bush saw Moses at the grocery store and said, "Hey, aren't
you Moses?"
Moses said nothing just kept on shopping.
A few aisles over W ran into Moses again, and said "Hey, aren't you
Moses?" Again Moses said nothing.
A few aisles over again George saw Moses and said, "I just KNOW you're Moses!"
This time Moses replied, "Hey, the last time I talked to a Bush, I
ended up in the wilderness for 40 years!"

Bedtime

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
 "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE! AND AN XBOX 360! AND I PRAY FOR THE NEW IRON MAN COMIC BOOK!"
 His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Farmer

A religious farmer lost his Bible out in the field.
A few days later he went to answer a noise at his door. Standing there was a cow, with his Bible in its mouth!
The farmer raised his eyes to heaven and thanked the Lord for this miracle.
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside."

Fire

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in the blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire fighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and bravely fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat old truck!"

Ethnic joke

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, some Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant...

"I'm sorry," said the manager, as he scrutinized the group one by one, and then barred their entrance saying, "Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai."

Taxi driver

The passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the pavement, and stopped inches from a department store window.
 For a second everything went quiet in the taxi, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"
 The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
 The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry. Really, it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

Sad news

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it's worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Philosophers' Convention

There is a huge philosophers' convention at the local hotel, and all the great philosophers are there.
Pascal is one of the last ones to arrive, and at the front desk he is told that his reservation was lost, and there are no more rooms at the hotel.
"This is preposterous!" he exclaims. "Where can I spend the night, the entire town has no vacancies!"
The desk clerk tells him that he may try to find one of his philosopher friends to share a room with him.
So he knocks on the first door, and Plato opens it. Pascal explains his problem, but Plato is already sharing his room with Satre, and that's depressing enough.
So Pascal tries the next room. Descartes opens the door. He has had a long day, and is in a bit of a bad mood. Pascal asks to share the room.
Descartes replies haughtily, "Share my room?!? I think NOT!"
And instantly he disappears in a cloud of smoke.

The lawyer and the old man

A lawyer and a old man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that old people are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the old man would like to play a fun game. The old man is tired, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500" he says.
This catches the old man's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The old man doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the old man's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the old man and hands him $500. The old man pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the old man up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The old man reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

New carpet

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack cigarettes.
"I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

Blue suit

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde undertaker asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde undertaker a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the undertaker, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde undertaker presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Sawmill

Paddy and Mick are two men working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and is severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident; this time he severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick's doing.
The nurse breaks down and cries. She says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not all that surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey fool put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.

Sailor

A Guy goes for a job at sea, the Captain says, "Have you had any experience away at sea?"
"No", the new guy says, "But I'm honest!"
The Captain takes him on and off they sail.
After three weeks at sea the new guy is busy mopping the decks, when a big wave crashes over the bows and sweeps him overboard.
The first mate goes running to the Captain, "You know the new guy we took on, the one who said he was honest? Well he has just run off with your mop!"