Horse

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a fence on a country road to rest a few minutes.
A horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over £5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The astonished salesman ran to find the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you £10,000 for him."
The farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."

Three pints

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

Skeleton

A once very prestigious hotel was being torn down in Cardiff to make room for a new luxury block of apartments. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 10th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "Hey, this could be somebody really important, all the big names have stayed here see."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found.
They called the police station and said, "We're the two blokes who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was anyone really important."
The cop said, "Well, yes actually, it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"Dai 'the Phantom' Thomas from Port Talbot"
"Who the hell is he?"
"The 1973 Welsh National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"

Cannibals

Two cannibals are sitting talking, the first cannibal says, " I can't seem to get a tender missionary any more. I've tried stewing them, baking, boiling, roasting even tried putting them on the barbecue but I'm not having any luck I don't know what I am doing wrong" The second cannibal asks where he is getting the missionaries from. "That big house in the woods" he replies "you know the sort I mean they dress in brown and have got bald circles on their heads".
"Ah" says the second cannibal "That's because they are friars!"

Mother-in-law

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.
The wife said: “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”

Cracker jokes

What did one pig say to the other pig?
Will you be my pen pal.

What do you call a dog with a bunch of daisies on its head?
A collie-flower

What did baby corn say to mummy corn?
Where's popcorn?

What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A Brussel scout

What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?
A moo-sician

Cab driver

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has a higher place. He says to Saint Peter, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
Saint Peter says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
Saint Peter says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed."

Little old man

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.

The good old days

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rocking chairs watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his chair and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?" Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

Tie

A guy goes into a fancy bar wearing a shirt open at the collar, but the bouncer tells him he needs a tie to get in.

The guy doesn't have a tie handy, so goes out to his car and gets his jump leads. He ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the bar.  The bouncer looks him up & down and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

Fred

Fred lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.
One day he was feeling particularly low, whilst walking along the street he saw a man on the pavement ahead of him skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. Looking closer he noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
Fred started thinking, what am I doing feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the pavement happy and going on with his life.
He hurried along and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless.
Fred thanked him again for setting a great example, and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
Fred asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He replied "I'm not happy; my bum is itchy."

Surgeon

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well - if something happens to me - your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

Scientist on a train

One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognised as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognising the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."
"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

Sign

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the corner they heard screeching tyres and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'Collapsed Bridge' instead?"

Hiccups

A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Confession

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate - there's no paper in this one either".

Cemetery

I was walking through a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a crap."

Stamps

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."

Wheelchair

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the lift. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. “I don't know,” he said. “She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

In the theatre

An old man lay sprawled across three seats in the theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man groaned but did not budge.
The usher became more impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
“All right sir what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.
“Where are you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
“The balcony…”

Wealthy Businessman

One afternoon a wealthy businessman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don't have any money for food,” the poor man replied.  “We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,” the businessman said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.  They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the businessman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”
“Bring them all as well,” the businessman answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the businessman and said, “Sir, you are too kind.”
“Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The businessman replied, “Glad to do it.  You'll really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high”.

Jungle football

One day in the jungle there was a football match between the elephants and the insects. By half-time the elephants were winning 39-0.
For the second half a centipede came on as a substitute for the insects - he was a brilliant player. By the end of the match the score was 46-39 to the insects.
As they were leaving the field the captain of the elephants said,
'What puzzles me is, why didn't you play that centipede in the first half?' 'We would have', said the captain of the insects.
"The only trouble is, it takes him an hour to get his boots on...'

Monk

A young priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his induction, that they were sworn to total silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.
After ten years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Bed hard!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another ten years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Food bad!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another ten years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “I quit!”
The head monk shook his head and said, “I knew this was coming. You’ve done nothing but complain for the past thirty years!”

Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from a little bird poop."
"It was my first day with the hook."

Cheese

What does the cheese saw when he looks in the mirror?
Halloumi!

Olympics

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England ," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

Fire precautions

A man from the fire brigade was conducting a health and safety course at an old people's home.
He asked one old lady, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
The old lady answered, "Really big ones."

Gas

A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"

Important message

No joke this week, just an important message:
Generally, I hate the hoax warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important.
Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum.
This is a scam - he only wants to see your bum.
I wish I'd received this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now!