Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
A friend of mine was in a far-off land. Before she left her mum made me promise to send her an email every week. I rarely had anything interesting to say so I sent her a joke instead:
31 August 2010
24 August 2010
Good news and bad news
A doctor visits a patient lying in a hospital ward. ‘I’m sorry,’ says the doctor, ‘but I have good news and bad news.’
‘Don’t hold back,’ says the man. ‘Tell me the bad news.’
The doctor replies, ‘Your illness was worse than we thought. We had to amputate both your legs.’
The man asks,‘So what’s the good news?’
The doctor replies, ‘The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.’
‘Don’t hold back,’ says the man. ‘Tell me the bad news.’
The doctor replies, ‘Your illness was worse than we thought. We had to amputate both your legs.’
The man asks,‘So what’s the good news?’
The doctor replies, ‘The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.’
17 August 2010
Desert man
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the Rail Road tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, head-over-heels, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good kettle?"The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
After weeks in hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good kettle?"The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
10 August 2010
Monkey
A man walks into a pub with a monkey on his shoulder. The barman says “Sorry pal, no animals.” “He doesn’t mean any harm.” says the man, “He’s just going to sit here with me, while I have a drink.” “Oh, okay then.”, says the barman, “But any trouble and you’re out.” So the man orders a beer and sits down at the bar.
Soon the monkey jumps off his shoulder and starts eating the bar snacks. “Hey!”, says the barman, “You said he was going to sit with you?” “Oh, it’s just some nuts. He’ll be good from now on.”, says the man.
Then the monkey jumps off the bar and onto the pool table. “Hey!”, says the barman, “Get out, come on you’ve had your chance.” “He won’t cause any harm,”, said the man, “Just let him watch.” Next the monkey grabs the cue ball and the barman protests again but the man says, “He’s just being inquisitive” Finally the monkey swallows the cue ball, lets out a loud squeal and runs out of the pub. The barman shouts “Okay, out, now! And you owe me for one cue ball!” “Sorry”, says the man, “He’s normally very good.” And he pays up and leaves.
A year later the same returns with his monkey. “I remember you!”, says the barman, “Out!”. “No, no”, says the man, “It’s okay, he’s better trained and he really has learned his lesson. Just one drink?” “Okay” says the barman, “but that’s it.”
The man drinks his beer and sure enough the monkey jumps down onto the bar, eats some peanuts and onto the pool table. “He’s at it again!” says the barman “I thought you said he had learned his lesson? The monkey then picks up the cue ball and shoves it up its own bottom, winces and drops the ball, to groans from around the pub.
“He has learned his lesson.”, says the man, “He tests everything for size first now.”
Soon the monkey jumps off his shoulder and starts eating the bar snacks. “Hey!”, says the barman, “You said he was going to sit with you?” “Oh, it’s just some nuts. He’ll be good from now on.”, says the man.
Then the monkey jumps off the bar and onto the pool table. “Hey!”, says the barman, “Get out, come on you’ve had your chance.” “He won’t cause any harm,”, said the man, “Just let him watch.” Next the monkey grabs the cue ball and the barman protests again but the man says, “He’s just being inquisitive” Finally the monkey swallows the cue ball, lets out a loud squeal and runs out of the pub. The barman shouts “Okay, out, now! And you owe me for one cue ball!” “Sorry”, says the man, “He’s normally very good.” And he pays up and leaves.
A year later the same returns with his monkey. “I remember you!”, says the barman, “Out!”. “No, no”, says the man, “It’s okay, he’s better trained and he really has learned his lesson. Just one drink?” “Okay” says the barman, “but that’s it.”
The man drinks his beer and sure enough the monkey jumps down onto the bar, eats some peanuts and onto the pool table. “He’s at it again!” says the barman “I thought you said he had learned his lesson? The monkey then picks up the cue ball and shoves it up its own bottom, winces and drops the ball, to groans from around the pub.
“He has learned his lesson.”, says the man, “He tests everything for size first now.”
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