Duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call." So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck inquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals, and the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "What on earth do they want with a plasterer?"

Horse

A horse goes into a bar and sits at the bar. At this the barman looks quite bemused but goes over and asks "what'll it be?" to which the horse replies "a pint of beer please" and gives the barman £10.

The barman goes back to the bar pulls the pint and thinking the horse probably wont be that smart goes back to the horse and £1 in change, he gives the horse the pint and the £1 change to which the horse thanks him.

After a while the barman's curiosity gets the better of him and says to the horse "we don't get many horses in here" to which the horse looks up from his paper and says "At £9 a pint I'm not surprised!!"

Building site

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a building site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!'

The wealthy widower

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, blonde lady who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful good looks and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His mates at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 95.'