A phone is ringing...
'Hello?'
'Hi Darling. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But Darling, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, Right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Oh, okay then, this is what I want you to do...
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, Darling?'
'Well, Mummy got all Flustered, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser her nose is bleeding and her eyes are open staring and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He looked real scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and there's all blood coming from his mouth and ears and I think he's dead.'
There is then a long Pause
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 01786 561895?'
'No, I think you have the wrong number'
27 December 2011
25 December 2011
Christmas cracker jokes
What do you do when you seen a big lion?
Hope he doesn't see you.
What did the lion say when he saw two hunters in a jeep?
Ah, meals on wheels.
What did the beaver say to the tree?
Nice gnawing you.
Where should a dressmaker build her house?
On the outskirts.
Why don't ducks tell jokes when they're flying?
Because they would quack up.
Why did the robber have a bath?
Because he wanted a clean getaway.
Hope he doesn't see you.
What did the lion say when he saw two hunters in a jeep?
Ah, meals on wheels.
What did the beaver say to the tree?
Nice gnawing you.
Where should a dressmaker build her house?
On the outskirts.
Why don't ducks tell jokes when they're flying?
Because they would quack up.
Why did the robber have a bath?
Because he wanted a clean getaway.
20 December 2011
Mistletoe
A couple of days before Christmas, a business man was anxious to get
home from a business trip. The trip had been exhausting and he was not
in a good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he
was sick of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The
worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the
luggage scale. Being in a bad mood, he said to the woman at the
counter, "You know, even if I were not married, I would not kiss you."
"That is not what it is there for," said the attendant. "It is so you
can kiss your luggage goodbye."
home from a business trip. The trip had been exhausting and he was not
in a good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he
was sick of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The
worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the
luggage scale. Being in a bad mood, he said to the woman at the
counter, "You know, even if I were not married, I would not kiss you."
"That is not what it is there for," said the attendant. "It is so you
can kiss your luggage goodbye."
13 December 2011
Baptism
An man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, I I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again - but this time holds him down for about thirty seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, I I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again - but this time holds him down for about thirty seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
6 December 2011
Jazz cord
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China and the giant auditorium is packed to the roof with excited fans.
In a bid to break the ice with the huge audience, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind entertainer starts to play an E minor scale and then swings into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes absolutely wild with excitement!
But, the same chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts: "No, no, play a jazz chord; play a jazz chord!"
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes completely crazy with this impromptu show of Stevie's musical expertise!
But, still the little Chinese guy jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord; play a jazz chord!"
Stevie is getting really fed up now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage: "Okay, wise guy, you get up here and do it!"
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, grabs hold of the mike and starts to sing "A jazz chord to say, I ruv you...."
In a bid to break the ice with the huge audience, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind entertainer starts to play an E minor scale and then swings into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes absolutely wild with excitement!
But, the same chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts: "No, no, play a jazz chord; play a jazz chord!"
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes completely crazy with this impromptu show of Stevie's musical expertise!
But, still the little Chinese guy jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord; play a jazz chord!"
Stevie is getting really fed up now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage: "Okay, wise guy, you get up here and do it!"
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, grabs hold of the mike and starts to sing "A jazz chord to say, I ruv you...."
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