A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England ," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."
31 July 2012
24 July 2012
Fire precautions
A man from the fire brigade was conducting a health and safety course at an old people's home.
He asked one old lady, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
The old lady answered, "Really big ones."
He asked one old lady, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
The old lady answered, "Really big ones."
17 July 2012
Gas
A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"
10 July 2012
Important message
No joke this week, just an important message:
Generally, I hate the hoax warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important.
Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum.
This is a scam - he only wants to see your bum.
I wish I'd received this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now!
Generally, I hate the hoax warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important.
Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum.
This is a scam - he only wants to see your bum.
I wish I'd received this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now!
3 July 2012
GI Insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
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