One day in the jungle there was a football match between the elephants and the insects. By half-time the elephants were winning 39-0.
For the second half a centipede came on as a substitute for the insects - he was a brilliant player. By the end of the match the score was 46-39 to the insects.
As they were leaving the field the captain of the elephants said,
'What puzzles me is, why didn't you play that centipede in the first half?' 'We would have', said the captain of the insects.
"The only trouble is, it takes him an hour to get his boots on...'
28 August 2012
21 August 2012
Monk
A young priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his induction, that they were sworn to total silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.
After ten years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Bed hard!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another ten years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Food bad!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another ten years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “I quit!”
The head monk shook his head and said, “I knew this was coming. You’ve done nothing but complain for the past thirty years!”
After ten years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Bed hard!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another ten years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Food bad!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another ten years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “I quit!”
The head monk shook his head and said, “I knew this was coming. You’ve done nothing but complain for the past thirty years!”
14 August 2012
Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from a little bird poop."
"It was my first day with the hook."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from a little bird poop."
"It was my first day with the hook."
7 August 2012
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