Scientist on a train

One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognised as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognising the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."
"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

Sign

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the corner they heard screeching tyres and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'Collapsed Bridge' instead?"

Hiccups

A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Confession

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate - there's no paper in this one either".

Cemetery

I was walking through a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a crap."