Horse

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a fence on a country road to rest a few minutes.
A horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over £5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The astonished salesman ran to find the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you £10,000 for him."
The farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."

Three pints

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

Skeleton

A once very prestigious hotel was being torn down in Cardiff to make room for a new luxury block of apartments. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 10th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "Hey, this could be somebody really important, all the big names have stayed here see."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found.
They called the police station and said, "We're the two blokes who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was anyone really important."
The cop said, "Well, yes actually, it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"Dai 'the Phantom' Thomas from Port Talbot"
"Who the hell is he?"
"The 1973 Welsh National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"

Cannibals

Two cannibals are sitting talking, the first cannibal says, " I can't seem to get a tender missionary any more. I've tried stewing them, baking, boiling, roasting even tried putting them on the barbecue but I'm not having any luck I don't know what I am doing wrong" The second cannibal asks where he is getting the missionaries from. "That big house in the woods" he replies "you know the sort I mean they dress in brown and have got bald circles on their heads".
"Ah" says the second cannibal "That's because they are friars!"

Mother-in-law

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.
The wife said: “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”