Final five

There were two men in a lunatic asylum.  One night they decided they did not like living in an asylum any more, so they decided to escape. They got up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light, stretching away to freedom. The first man jumps across with no problem, but his friend didn't dare make the leap, because he was afraid of falling.  The first man has an idea, he says 'Hey! I have my torch with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!'
The second guy just shakes his head and says 'What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!
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A guy walks into a bar, and the only other patron is a seal sitting at the far end of the room. After a few minutes, the seal shouts to the man, "I like the way you smell." Confused, the man ignores the compliment. A few more minutes and the seal shouts, "You've got a great haircut." The man continues to ignore the seal. After a few more of these compliments, the man asks the bartender about the animal.
"That's our Seal of Approval," the bartender replies.
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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3000-year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later the curator called the archaeologist, "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
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St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about football. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between the select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the referees."
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An Essex girl is in a traffic accident and a paramedic rushes to help her. "Where are you bleeding from?" he asks her. "Well, since you ask," replies the girl, "I'm from bleeding Romford."