There were two men in a lunatic asylum. One night they decided they did not like living in an asylum any more, so they decided to escape. They got up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light, stretching away to freedom. The first man jumps across with no problem, but his friend didn't dare make the leap, because he was afraid of falling. The first man has an idea, he says 'Hey! I have my torch with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!'
The second guy just shakes his head and says 'What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!
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A guy walks into a bar, and the only other patron is a seal sitting at the far end of the room. After a few minutes, the seal shouts to the man, "I like the way you smell." Confused, the man ignores the compliment. A few more minutes and the seal shouts, "You've got a great haircut." The man continues to ignore the seal. After a few more of these compliments, the man asks the bartender about the animal.
"That's our Seal of Approval," the bartender replies.
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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3000-year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later the curator called the archaeologist, "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
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St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about football. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between the select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the referees."
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An Essex girl is in a traffic accident and a paramedic rushes to help her. "Where are you bleeding from?" he asks her. "Well, since you ask," replies the girl, "I'm from bleeding Romford."
11 June 2013
4 June 2013
Highway patrol
One Sunday the policeman was sitting on the side of the highway and was waiting to catch speeding drivers. The police officer saw a car driving along at 22 MPH. He thought to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. When he approached the car, he noticed that there were five little old Indian ladies - two of them were in the front seat and three in the back with wide eyes and they were white as ghosts. The driver was obviously confused and said to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" "Madam," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Madam, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right, officer. We just got off Route 119."
So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. When he approached the car, he noticed that there were five little old Indian ladies - two of them were in the front seat and three in the back with wide eyes and they were white as ghosts. The driver was obviously confused and said to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" "Madam," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Madam, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right, officer. We just got off Route 119."
28 May 2013
Supermarket
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Everywhere he went, she seeming to be staring at him.
She was in front of him in the checkout line and turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's OK."
She then said, “I know it's silly, but if you'd call out ‘Good bye, Mum’ as I leave the shop, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the shop, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to £121.85," said the cashier.
"Why so much? I only bought five items."
The cashier replied, "Yes, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
She was in front of him in the checkout line and turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's OK."
She then said, “I know it's silly, but if you'd call out ‘Good bye, Mum’ as I leave the shop, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the shop, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to £121.85," said the cashier.
"Why so much? I only bought five items."
The cashier replied, "Yes, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
21 May 2013
The Diet
George was a little overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When George returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
George nodded..."I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
When George returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
George nodded..."I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
14 May 2013
Grandma
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew.
"They won't let me fart."
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew.
"They won't let me fart."
7 May 2013
Chemist
John worked behind the counter in a small chemist but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough mixture. Try as he might John could not find the cough mixture. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxative and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough mixture. I substituted laxative and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Laxative won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough mixture. Try as he might John could not find the cough mixture. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxative and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough mixture. I substituted laxative and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Laxative won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
30 April 2013
Gardeners
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working.
One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!'
When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?'
One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!'
When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?'
23 April 2013
Bra
Told to me by a Jewish friend...
A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what does the Jewish bra do?"
"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."
A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what does the Jewish bra do?"
"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."
16 April 2013
Time management
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the sommelier took our wine order, I noticed she also had a spoon in her pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting company to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 person-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
Later I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the men's toilet. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 33%."
"That's great, but how do you put it back?"
Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting company to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 person-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
Later I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the men's toilet. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 33%."
"That's great, but how do you put it back?"
Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
9 April 2013
Forgiveness
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" Eighty percent held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."
2 April 2013
Medical Students
Two medical students were standing on a street corner watching people as they passed and discussing with each other any abnormalities that they may have seen in passers-by. They saw this old man waddling down the street like a duck at a slow pace.
The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the old man's problem. One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of haemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia."
The old man said, "I thought it was a fart, but from the feel of it, it looks like we were all wrong."
The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the old man's problem. One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of haemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia."
The old man said, "I thought it was a fart, but from the feel of it, it looks like we were all wrong."
26 March 2013
Stones
Jesus is preaching to a crowd who have been threatening to stone a woman for adultery.
He says, "Let whoever is without sin cast the first stone!"
An old lady pushes through the crowd, picks up a nice sharp rock and hurls it. Everyone follows suit and the adulteress is killed.
Once the crowd has dispersed, Jesus turns to the old lady and says, "Mum, you must stop doing that"
He says, "Let whoever is without sin cast the first stone!"
An old lady pushes through the crowd, picks up a nice sharp rock and hurls it. Everyone follows suit and the adulteress is killed.
Once the crowd has dispersed, Jesus turns to the old lady and says, "Mum, you must stop doing that"
19 March 2013
Buliding site
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man were hired at a building site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." To the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a while. I expect the pile to be gone when I'm back."
But when the foreman returns the sand is untouched. He asks the Irishman why he didn't shovel. "I couldn't get meself no shovel. You left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him nowhere." He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" "I no gotta no broom an' I no finda no Chinaman."
The foreman gets really angry and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere until the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "Supplies!"
But when the foreman returns the sand is untouched. He asks the Irishman why he didn't shovel. "I couldn't get meself no shovel. You left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him nowhere." He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" "I no gotta no broom an' I no finda no Chinaman."
The foreman gets really angry and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere until the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "Supplies!"
12 March 2013
Nun in a taxi
A taxi driver picks up a nun. She gets into the taxi, and he won't stop staring at her. He says, "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. After my experiences, I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, as long as you are single and a Catholic, then I will kiss you." The taxi driver says, "Yes, I'm single and a Catholic!"
"OK," she says. "Pull over." The nun plants a kiss on the taxi driver, who then starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. After my experiences, I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, as long as you are single and a Catholic, then I will kiss you." The taxi driver says, "Yes, I'm single and a Catholic!"
"OK," she says. "Pull over." The nun plants a kiss on the taxi driver, who then starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party."
5 March 2013
Lottery
Hugh is in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial straits. He decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please, let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins the top prize. Hugh prays again, "God, please let me win the lottery. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car as well!" Lottery night comes and Hugh still has no luck. "Dear God! I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please, let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light. Hugh is confronted by the voice of God himself. "Hugh, my son, just meet me halfway on this one. Buy a ticket!"
26 February 2013
Train journey
There's a man on a Scottish train he's going from Stranraer to Glasgow, but he's very tired after overdoing it the night before in the pub, and spends much of the journey nodding off.
After some time, he wakes up with a jolt and feels a little disoriented.
He asks one of the two old ladies who are sharing the compartment with him: "Do you know if I've passed Ayr yet ?"
To which the more prudish looking one, replied quite curtly in her accusing Scots whine: "Two or three times young man, but we opened the compartment window."
After some time, he wakes up with a jolt and feels a little disoriented.
He asks one of the two old ladies who are sharing the compartment with him: "Do you know if I've passed Ayr yet ?"
To which the more prudish looking one, replied quite curtly in her accusing Scots whine: "Two or three times young man, but we opened the compartment window."
19 February 2013
Dinner party
A fellow hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.
All during dinner one colleague's tiny daughter stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her staring. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Sweetie, why are you staring at me?"
The table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
All during dinner one colleague's tiny daughter stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her staring. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Sweetie, why are you staring at me?"
The table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
12 February 2013
Truck driver
A truck driver stopped at a roadside dinner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie.
As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie.
The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left.
When he was gone, one of the motorcyclists said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied, "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie.
The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left.
When he was gone, one of the motorcyclists said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied, "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
5 February 2013
The barn
A politician and two friends - a rabbi and a Hindu holy man - had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."
With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.
"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that left only the politician to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.
Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."
With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.
"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that left only the politician to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.
Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
29 January 2013
Horse
A travelling salesman stopped alongside a fence on a country road to rest a few minutes.
A horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over £5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The astonished salesman ran to find the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you £10,000 for him."
The farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."
A horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over £5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The astonished salesman ran to find the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you £10,000 for him."
The farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."
22 January 2013
Three pints
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
15 January 2013
Skeleton
A once very prestigious hotel was being torn down in Cardiff to make room for a new luxury block of apartments. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 10th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "Hey, this could be somebody really important, all the big names have stayed here see."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found.
They called the police station and said, "We're the two blokes who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was anyone really important."
The cop said, "Well, yes actually, it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"Dai 'the Phantom' Thomas from Port Talbot"
"Who the hell is he?"
"The 1973 Welsh National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
While working on the 10th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "Hey, this could be somebody really important, all the big names have stayed here see."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found.
They called the police station and said, "We're the two blokes who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was anyone really important."
The cop said, "Well, yes actually, it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"Dai 'the Phantom' Thomas from Port Talbot"
"Who the hell is he?"
"The 1973 Welsh National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
8 January 2013
Cannibals
Two cannibals are sitting talking, the first cannibal says, " I can't seem to get a tender missionary any more. I've tried stewing them, baking, boiling, roasting even tried putting them on the barbecue but I'm not having any luck I don't know what I am doing wrong" The second cannibal asks where he is getting the missionaries from. "That big house in the woods" he replies "you know the sort I mean they dress in brown and have got bald circles on their heads".
"Ah" says the second cannibal "That's because they are friars!"
"Ah" says the second cannibal "That's because they are friars!"
1 January 2013
Mother-in-law
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.
The wife said: “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”
One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.
The wife said: “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”
25 December 2012
Cracker jokes
What did one pig say to the other pig?
Will you be my pen pal.
What do you call a dog with a bunch of daisies on its head?
A collie-flower
What did baby corn say to mummy corn?
Where's popcorn?
What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A Brussel scout
What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?
A moo-sician
Will you be my pen pal.
What do you call a dog with a bunch of daisies on its head?
A collie-flower
What did baby corn say to mummy corn?
Where's popcorn?
What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A Brussel scout
What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?
A moo-sician
18 December 2012
Cab driver
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has a higher place.
He says to Saint Peter, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
Saint Peter says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
Saint Peter says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed."
Saint Peter says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
Saint Peter says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed."
11 December 2012
Little old man
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.
4 December 2012
The good old days
Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rocking chairs watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his chair and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?" Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his chair and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?" Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
27 November 2012
Tie
A guy goes into a fancy bar wearing a shirt open at the collar, but the
bouncer tells him he needs a tie to get in.
The guy doesn't have a tie handy, so goes out to his car and gets his jump leads. He ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the bar. The bouncer looks him up & down and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
The guy doesn't have a tie handy, so goes out to his car and gets his jump leads. He ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the bar. The bouncer looks him up & down and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
20 November 2012
Fred
Fred lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.
One day he was feeling particularly low, whilst walking along the street he saw a man on the pavement ahead of him skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. Looking closer he noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
Fred started thinking, what am I doing feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the pavement happy and going on with his life.
He hurried along and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless.
Fred thanked him again for setting a great example, and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
Fred asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He replied "I'm not happy; my bum is itchy."
One day he was feeling particularly low, whilst walking along the street he saw a man on the pavement ahead of him skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. Looking closer he noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
Fred started thinking, what am I doing feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the pavement happy and going on with his life.
He hurried along and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless.
Fred thanked him again for setting a great example, and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
Fred asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He replied "I'm not happy; my bum is itchy."
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